That shit is festive.
We moved earlier this year, which means I get approximately 54 catalogs in the mail every month. Well played, home decor stores. If we actually had money, I’d be sure to decorate my house with the beautiful solid wood side tables and expensive wall hangings that grace your magazine’s pristine pages. Recently, these retailers have upped the ante with festive catalogs filled with beautiful holiday decorations and personalized baby’s first Christmas ornaments. Naturally, I want to buy everything… Because who doesn’t want their house to look like it belongs in the pages of a Pottery Barn holiday catalog?
But if you’re like us and your budget is limited, your hopes and dreams of having a very Pottery Barn Christmas might seem unattainable. Not to worry, intrepid homeowners! I’ve pulled together a list of ten practical tips for making your regular old house resemble a Pottery Barn catalog home just in time for the holidays.
1. Stash your children in the playroom for the duration of the Christmas season. There is no kid clutter gracing the pages of the Pottery Barn holiday catalog. The only sign that children might be present in the home are those five personalized stockings adorned with WASP-y names like Brynn and Carolyn.
2. Take out a home equity loan to pay for new holiday decorations. Still underwater on your mortgage? Tap into your retirement savings. This shit is important. People are going to pin the crap out of your decorations, and your holiday home will break the Internet – much like the infamous Paper Magazine cover or this lady’s post-baby boobs.
3. Install a gas fireplace complete with ornate stone detailing and a rustic wood mantel. So what if it costs you $20,000 and you can’t afford gifts? If you want your home to look like it belongs in the 2014 Pottery Barn Christmas catalog, you need to make sacrifices.
How many dead animals do you see in this picture?
4. Venture out into your backyard and cut branches off your next door neighbor’s evergreen trees. If the police show up, hide in the woods until they leave. Strategically place the sprigs of stolen evergreen on your mantel for that special Pottery Barn holiday feel. Hope they aren’t harboring any rogue squirrels or termites. Deny any involvement when the neighbors come knocking at your door with video footage of you with an ax chopping trees on their property.
5. Take up metalworking and purchase a welder at Home Depot to create your own intricate versions of those beautiful ‘Baby’s First Christmas’ ornaments. Keep a fire extinguisher on hand at all times and put 911 on speed dial in case of any accidents.
6. If your kids have non-WASP-y names, change them in honor of the holiday season; preferably to something inspired by the cast of Twilight. Emmet, Rosalie, Jacob, or Carlisle are in keeping with Pottery Barn style. Nothing says festive like a $59 red velvet Christmas stocking with Santa’s face and a stranger’s name hand-embroidered on the front.
7. Take a hammer and rake to your existing hardwood floors and dining table to give them that coveted ‘rustic’ appearance. Cut down a tree and nail that thing to your ceiling to take things up a notch. Remember, this is going on Pinterest so you’ll want your makeshift structural beam to strike the perfect balance between rustic and stylish. Decorating tip: if your home resembles a ski lodge, you’re on the right track.
8. Have your grandma re-cover all your throw pillows with $400-worth of hand-crocheted red sweaters imported from directly from the Blarney Woolen Mills. Display them for three weeks and then toss them in a tupperware container after the New Year. Place it in your attic beside your DIY baby ornaments and Twilight Christmas stockings for the next 11 months.
Who doesn’t like pillows made from sweaters?
9. Build an addition. You’ve got plenty of time for a major home renovation project between holiday parties, gingerbread house construction, and trips to the mall. After all, your Pottery Barn Christmas home would not be complete without a welcoming, beautiful place for your holiday guests. Purchase a $12,000 bedroom set, monogram the sheets, add seven layers of pristine 3000-thread count bedding, and cover that tired old down comforter with a duvet that looks like ugly Christmas wrapping paper. Don’t forget the personalized robes and slippers for each visitor. Santa is watching!
10. Repaint all your walls using colors from Sherwin-Williams’ Pottery Barn collection. May God have mercy on your soul if you choose the wrong shade of beige this holiday season. Both Jesus and Santa shop at Pottery Barn, so they’re intimately familiar with the Winter 2014 palette.
See? There’s no reason to fret! Making your home look like it belongs in the Pottery Barn Christmas catalog is easy. Just burn all of your existing decor, put your kids away for the season, take out a second mortgage on your house, and start redecorating from scratch. Remember to keep things simple. The holidays can be stressful but it will all be worth it when your own hand-crafted Pottery Barn-inspired creations go viral on Pinterest!
Photo credit: Pottery Barn